Have you every considered that it’s important to talk about money with your parents? And I don’t mean talking to them about your own money. I mean talking to them about their money, their financial circumstances, and their future. If you’re like many people, this probably hasn’t really crossed your mind. In fact, this wasn’t something I really considered until my own grandparents and parents started getting older. But it’s incredibly important to be starting these conversations and getting on the same page with our family as we, and they, get older.

But the truth is, even though these conversations are essential, they can be really tough to have! So tough, in fact, that many people avoid them completely, to their detriment and that of their families. I want to help to change that, starting with you!

But it’s incredibly important to be starting these conversations and getting on the same page with our family as we, and they, get older.

If you want to learn more about having these conversations, and why they are so important, check out this week’s Money Circle podcast, where I chat with Cameron Huddleston, author of Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk.

Approach Them With Kindness

The reason you are having the money talk with your parents is because you care about them and you want them to be well cared for. And that’s the thing you need to keep at the top of your mind when you approach this conversation. Lead with how much you love them and how you just want to make sure that they feel safe and comfortable when it comes to their future.

Be Respectful, Not Judgmental

You might not be happy with what you learn about your parents’ financial situation. Things might be less organized than you hoped. There might be no planning in place. There might be little to no money saved. If your parents are in a worse situation that you expected, it’s easy to feel frustrated and judgmental. But this will just make your parents get more defensive and resistant to having this conversation with you. Money is a difficult topic, and many of us were never educated on what we should be doing with it. That could be true for your parents, which will have influenced where they ended up financially. Be respectful and not judgmental, so that they are more likely to open up to you and accept your support.

Don’t Ask for Specific Numbers

The specific numbers are not necessary for you to know, especially if your parents are uncomfortable talking about money. It’s not about the numbers themselves, but about the circumstances. You don’t need to know how much money your parents have saved for retirement. You just need to know that they have enough money to be able to live off of later. You don’t need to know how much their monthly expenses are. You just need to know that they are able to afford to pay their bills. You don’t need to know exactly how much money they want to leave to you and your siblings. You just need to know if they have a will.

Ask “What If” Questions

It can be hard to plan ahead when the future seems abstract. That’s probably why a lot of people don’t really plan for retirement, because they can’t picture themselves as old enough to stop working! That disconnect certainly applies when it comes to the idea of illness or physical limitations. And just because your parents are getting older, doesn’t mean that they are having an easy time coming to terms with these possibilities. So a good approach might be to simply as them what they would want to do if certain things happened.

For example:

Posing these questions can make it easier to start coming up with answers to them. Plus, you and your parents will get more clarity on their wishes or needs. These are difficult questions to ask, so your parents might not have all the answers right away. Be patient and revisit the conversation when they’ve had more time to think about it.

Get Clear On Their Goals and Needs

Just like with any financial conversation, it’s important to focus on goals and needs here. It’s not just about the numbers, it’s about what their wishes and dreams are. Find out if and when your parents want to retire. Find out if they want to sell their home and downsize eventually. Find out if they want to travel or move closer to you or your siblings. Find out about their health needs and what that means for their future and their independence. Framing this conversation around what kind of future they envision and the things they really want will make it easier.

Encourage Them to Meet With Someone Else

You aren’t here to solve all of your parents’ financial problems. In fact, sometimes it can be detrimental to try to step in and take over. It’s important to know when a third party will be most helpful. This could be any of the following:

If your parents don’t want you to help them yourself, or if their situation is too complicated for you to get involved in, you can refer them to the right professionals. This will help both sides to feel less helpless and provide at least one next step to take action on.

If you are looking for some recommendations for any of these professional, let me know in the comments or email me at [email protected]!

Wait Until After the Holiday Gathering

It might seem like the holidays are a great time to sit down and have these conversations with your parents. I used to think that too, because often that’s the only time we are with our family for prolonged periods of time! And it isn’t that the holiday season is the wrong time to talk about money with your parents, it’s that the timing is important. You shouldn’t bring up estate planning or financials at the dinner table on Thanksgiving or while you’re opening gifts on Christmas. This approach can make people feel extra defensive and embarrassed and derail the conversation quickly. Wait until the day after Thanksgiving to bring up these topics. And don’t put your parents on the spot in front of the whole family.

Good luck!

If you want to learn more about having these conversations, and why they are so important, check out this week’s Money Circle podcast, where I chat with Cameron Huddleston, author of Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk.